Grace

We lost a baby on February 25.  I had started having problems before I even knew I was pregnant. I was in the ER on one Monday, and by the following Monday, I was sent into emergency surgery.  I had an ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding into my abdominal cavity.  If it had not been caught in time, I would have died.

Up until yesterday, I thought the pregnancy was an ovarian ectopic pregnancy and did not involve my tube.  But at my followup appointment I found out that the placenta was in the middle of my tube and my tube had to be cut open to remove it.  The baby was, indeed, on my ovary.  My tube is still there.  But the way the tube heals and the possibility of scar tissue may affect my fertility.

This was a tough thing to go through and there are so many stages of emotion that follow something like this.  The first few days after the surgery, I felt happy to be alive and I felt so much better physically.  By Thursday, the grief hit.  I think in some ways it was easier because I didn’t know I was pregnant until after I started having problems.  I never allowed myself to feel the joy I normally feel when I find out we’re expecting another bundle.  I hoped that everything would be okay, but I didn’t know. 

The grief comes and goes, now.  But God has been faithful and very gracious to me through it all.  Beloved and I are praying that my fertility will not have been affected.  And, we hope to be blessed again soon.

I call the baby Grace, because number five represents grace, and this would have been our fifth child.  We don’t know the gender, of course, but I feel it is appropriate nonetheless.  And we know Baby Grace is in Jesus’ arms, waiting for us to join him or her one day.  Especially on November first, when I would have been due, I will remind myself that the Lord wanted our little one to join Him sooner than the rest of us.  And I will not second guess His plan.

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